I was having a burnout after returning back to work after my second maternity leave. I’m finally back to work after 1.5 years sabbatical. I’d like to bring more awareness to burnouts so that other who are on a similar path can spot the symptoms earlier on to prevent burnouts happening to them.
What does a burnout look like?
I barely slept. It was either my baby waking up multiple times or my body preparing for her to wake up multiple times. Insomnia almost every night. I felt constantly tired, couldn’t focus and I simply blacked out mid-sentence while presenting at a management meeting. My mind was always overwhelmed and racing, yet never present or focused.
In fact, I could almost tick all the boxes
If you are feeling a few if the above symptoms for a prolonged period if time, I’d suggest you seek professional help.
What did I learnt from the burnout?
1. It takes a village to raise a kid especially if you have already an elder kid – get all the help you need
I thought having a second kid would be easy as you already knew a thing or two about taking care of an infant. What I didn’t know was indeed how to handle my growing toddler. How I also needed to spend quality time with my elder between all the nursing and diapers. That also means I couldn’t nap while the baby slept.
Use all the help you need! I was silly. I didn’t have a full time helper (only a part time coming in a few hours a week to clean). I was supposed to be in recovery or in confinement. But instead, I was ordering grocery online and cooking dinners and cleaning up afterwards on top of taking care of my kids. Be smart – hire a confinement lady or entrust an experienced and willing family member/friend to take care of you and baby and definitely a domestic helper to take care of the house hold stuff.
The biggest mistake was indeed I was checking my work emails while was nursing at night. What a silly thing to do. I honestly had no idea why I did it. Probably trying to prove I’m still useful of something while I feel failing as a mother 😢. That started my restlessness.
Lesson learnt – REST is Uber important. You can’t give on an empty tank. Period.
2. Pause & Me time
Had you ever just kept flipping through shows on Netflix and never managed to find something to watch? That was me at supposedly “relax time”: thinking of what to do, taking a photo to post on social media and thinking of a clever caption. Finally got around to do the “relaxation”. Opps.. time’s up. Your kid woke up from the naps back to “work mode”
Definitely find some time for yourself. Probably away from social media. My top recommendation would be a guided meditation. I love Insight Timer and found just lying down having my headphone one for 30-40 minutes of guided meditation energies me especially when I am overwhelmed or low on energy. Meditation might not be everyone as it might not align with your religion or belief system. Choose something that allows you to take a pause and calms you. If praying calms you, pray it is. Or simply take 3 deep breaths.
3. Work out & Supplements
Keeping a regular workout routine (even just a 5 minutes stretching or just 10 squats to start with) is very important to maintain your energy level and take your mind off for some time. Start slow. I tried too intense at first when I first starting the Yoga teacher training. It was indeed counterproductive. If you are not as physical like me, start slow and build it up. I maintained 3-4 yoga classes a week and strength training once a week during my sabbatical. It really paid off. I definitely felt the change when I first went back to work and stopped my regular workouts. When I rebuilt my routine around my work and family, my energy level rose back up. Budget (in terms of time at least) that in your weekly life.
Supplement – I thought I had a balance diet but ageing is real (bxxxx). My energy level isn’t as high and with reduced workout time after returning to work, my body could totally feel it. I started taking vitamin b related supplements for energy and natural supplements (Saffron and Ashwagandha) for better sleep. Surprisingly, NR works so much better for me than the much hyped NMN. As a mother, you simply can’t be sick. Taking Vitamin C and probiotic is basic to support your immune system. I am already researching on perimenopause supplement just to be prepared.
4. Mom Guilt is Real and Embrace It
Mom guilt is the feeling of guilt for not being there for your kids or not doing enough. From a full-time mom to working mom, the change is significant. I felt terrible not being able to attend all the school activities, picking up and dropping off my kids at school, not doing homework with my elder (I outsourced it to my mom. Thank goodness for grandma!) I still feel bad in the morning when my kids would have separation anxiety holding onto me and begging me not to go to work when I am about to leave. It’s hard. I would feel guilty sometimes when I see photos/videes of my kids having fun after school and I was not there. However, I learn to turn the guilt into something more positive – trying to be present for my kids, listening to their stories and soaking up all the snuggling time. That means no phones, no distraction. When I catch myself thinking of the to-do list, I just gently bring my attention back, by focusing on my breath, breathing in the smell of my kids’ hair. That calms me and brings me back.
5. Have a Schedule/Routine but Go with the Flow
I was so nervous going back to back to work. I planned a meticulous schedule for myself down to the minutes, including time with my kids, with my husband, Me Time & enough sleep. At the time when I planned it, I was satisfied. But in reality, I failed miserably. I was not able to stick to the schedule and resents it. Beautiful night of sleep would be disturbed by a kid’s night waking, quiet morning might be noisy when both kids wake up early wanting to play… and I felt super stressed out for being late and getting inpatient when it was not on schedule. Then I realised it was not working. I know what I can manage –
Ferry: the time on the ferry for guided meditation and putting on sunscreen;
Bedtime: after everyone goes to sleep, I have alone time to unwind. If I manage to write the gratitude journal, I call it a win.
Morning: I get up early to make breakfast for my kids. It gives me satisfaction that I’m contributing to their first meal of the day. But if my kids want me to stay in bed longer, I just soak in the moment and let our Aunty cook breakfast. That significantly reduce my stress in the morning. Just go with the flow. Priories kids always.
6. Have Your Support Network Ready
Life is full of ups and downs. While you are in a better place mentally, something unexpected might trigger you down the spiral. It’s important to observe yourself and also have your help ready – your partner, your friends who you can count on, your therapists etc. It’s particularly important to have a network, not just one. I’m so grateful to have some likeminded friends who are also in the mindfulness and mental wellness journey. We remind each other to take care of ourselves or just as simple as sending each other meaningful or just silly memes. I know I’m not alone. Thanks to my persistent friend, I joined a women’s empowerment workshop just a couple weeks back. I didn’t even realise I needed that until I had that. I felt so much recharged and energised and loving afterwards.
7. Be Grateful and Compassionate
What you appreciate appreciates. The feeling of gratitude switches your perspective drastically especially when things are tough. Count your blessing or simply think of 5-10 things you are grateful for. Compassionate especially to self is important. Instead of blaming yourself for what happens, try to be compassionate to self. Give yourself a big hug.
That’s my journey so far. I keep learning and this time I wouldn’t be so judgmental of myself and instead, I will show compassion to myself and curiosity to my feelings. It’s so much easier said than done but I will keep trying.
What’s your story? Any other fellow working moms sharing a similar path? How are you doing?
iagegracefully 