Yo-yo effect of my Wardrobe – My Personal experiences

Where do I start?

Growing up as a little girl, my mom was a good seamstress (not as good now. She still makes clothes for my little one). She would but tailor books and make me dresses and clothes. I had a full wardrobe of custom made clothes as a kid in China. I didn’t quite need to buy in shops and was not used to talking to sales assistants. I was just shy.

The Build-up

Fast foreword to the late 90s and 00s, Alta skinny is the ideal figure. I was slightly above that ultra skinny figure and I felt Fat (5’3, 48kg, I was actually underweight). That was the norm in Hong Kong. I felt insecure when shopping in the stores as I didn’t look very skinny when I tried things on and I hated window shopping 🛍 and didn’t enjoy talking to the sales associate. The sales associates are trained to up sell and link sell. I almost always persuaded to buy more than I originally need (higher IPC) and left the store feeling stressed. I hated shopping and not that I had bc a lot of money to buy as well with my very small income from my part time job. My wardrobe consisted of just school uniforms and the ‘new clothes’ we bought for Chinese New Year or during big sale time in the summer. I could even share one with my mom – very small wardrobe.

The Peak

Another jump in time to late 00s, I discovered Taobao and ASOS. Omg!! The craziness started. I could buy beautiful clothes they my size (8 UK) for a fraction of the cost in physical stores. Even though without their very smart AI merchandising tool, the “things you may also like” sparked my desire to own (I had that desire before the Chinese internet term plant gross and harvest grass were even invented). And the expensive shipping free did help increase my ATV. I had a thing for one piece dress and definitely a phrase for knockoff Karen Millen. After a few bumps on the road, I found my store and my size. I just kept buying.

It reached to a point that I needed two wardrobe and a full additional clothes rack (the rack kept falling due to the weight). I was trying to figure out a new fashion app (no longer available in App Store) so I started a project “a dress a day” – guess what, I actually went through 100 days without repeating a dress. One hundred days and one hundred dresses 👗

Even my colleagues back then noticed my project. Well it didn’t make it big on the fashion app. Honestly it’s poor quality photos with shaky background

Downsizing Episode 1

Then on day, my friend said she started a new book and that book really changed her life. Of course, it’s Marie Kondo’s life changing magic of tidying up. She removed so much stuff. She was an early adopter of the book. Somehow the book landed in my hand (a lot of recommendation after). Another friend kept saying “spark joy” and some might never start unfriending the connection which doesn’t “spark joy” on Facebook.

I read and got sure inspired and motivated. According to the book, start with wardrobe and it was how I started –

The memory of 10 pairs of jeans that I just put on an upper part of the wardrobe fell on me, is still very vivid now after over 5 years. So I catagorsed and started with jeans, socks, panty hose (seriously why did I have so many pair? I only worn once or twice a year when it was too cold to wear dresses without), and accessories (you don’t know how much you end up with when you have staff sale and staff discount 🤪)

Want to see some numbers?

  • – Over 200 dresses (yes, I bought more after the 100 dresses project) – also, mostly I already passed the age of friends getting married. No cocktail dresses needed to attend yet another wedding (my record in 2009 was 13 weddings in a year)
  • – over 30 pairs of jeans (among which, i only wore 2-3 pairs in a regular base – as in every two months
  • – over 70 watches (this is definitely the aftermath of staff sale)
  • – over 50 bags/wallets/backpack (also staff sale)
  • – necklaces, bracelets, rings – I lost count
  • – 2 full size shoes cabinet (not empty of course, who are we fooling? 😎)
  • So after one while tiring and agonising day:
  • 1 whole racks of dresses to resell
  • 3 huge suitcases of various clothes to giveaway
  • 50 watches to giveaway
  • And 3 bags of clothes to recycle ♻️
  • 20+ shoes left leaving the shoe only a half shoe shoe cabinet

I felt so much better. I could fit all my clothes in my tiny wardrobe and my 3 drawers and folded according to the Marie Kondo way too.

I managed to be quite disciplined I would say. But like my friend (who was the first one in my circle that started the tidying up), I over tidied up and I actually need to buy some practical items again even they don’t necessarily spark joy (they keep me warm ❄️). Yet my wardrobe was not overflowing. I only bought two pairs of maternity pants and 2 maternal dresses throughout my pregnancy 🤰🏾 pretty impressive, right? (I’m impressed myself too)

Yo-Yo 🪀 – opps, I did it again 🎵

Well, I managed to downsize and maintain “slim” for a few years. What went wrong? – breastfeeding happened!! (I love every minute of breastfeeding even including the mastitis part- best bonding time ever 💕

I need to buy breastfeeding clothes. At first, I went for my go-to – the infamous 😈Taobao 😈

However, I soon discovered the breastfeeding clothes on there don’t make much sense, poor quality (like break easily, not that I am fat), and just simply not easy or comfortable. You can’t imagine juggling a hungry infant, taking up cover and undressing for feeding. And nursing bra too. Only available h&m site but the site was always unavailable (how ironic). I did manage to get a couple but they didn’t last. So I bought a few nursing clothes from Taobao and none of them were good to wear for one month. I was in a clothe drought… then I found Boob Design and Bravados nursing bras. Both sustainably sources and with good quality. I went through a small bump of a Singaporean based nursing clothes shop – better than Taobao but not as nice as Boob Design (yes, I bought about 10 dresses in total 🙈)

The worse came when I started a new job – breastfeeding friendly business attire required. The ones I have are way too casual and not as easy to clip on the pump.

So I figured I need a lot of two pieces. As a working parent of a baby/toddler, you want to spend all your time soaking up in the cuteness and love from your little one. I didn’t have time to mix and match so I ended up always buy sets of clothes (not too suit like) and wear them according to the match. There are times where I couldn’t find the match (especially during colder time, like today, I just wear two piece that don’t really work together). I bought for summer and winter (well in Hong Kong, it’s 9 month long summer and 9 month long winter in your office too. So I bought double (my excuse anyway)

I would say Taobao’s AI merchasing is working very well showing the items that I might also like. And on 618 and 11.11, I did the inevitable – I bought loads

My wardrobe is overflowing again, even though I already bought a dresser with drawers. They are all full… (I even started putting winter stuff, like my super down jacket 🧥 in the states where it’s actually cold cold 🥶)

The Realization

So my wardrobe is back in the oversize status. So happened, I ran into the show minimalist on Netflix. The idea is very close to Marie Kondo (she has her own Netflix show too. In fact, many people dressed up as her on Halloween – that’s definitely a popularity indicator 😝). Over consumerism is bring threat to our planet earth – from the waste that fast fashion produces to the working condition of the the workers in the factories. No need to go into details of how much we are wasting. There’s another element to the show is that wanting less brings more happiness. You are not constantly buying or owning things to fill the void in your heart. You spend time appreciate things you have and more time on the things that matter more to you.

Ok, I just received the shipment of yet another online purchase. (Well, I did that before the realisation).

Resolution for 2020

  • buy less
  • buy quality and from sustainable source – so that I can wear/use for longer – durable – a quality my parents generation always looked for in clothes or any household products
  • live more and spend more time on things that matters 👨‍👩‍👧

Happy year of the smart Rat!


The lipstick economy

Lipstick effect, according to Wikipedia,

the theory that when facing an economic crisis consumers will be more willing to buy less costly luxury goods. Instead of buying expensive fur coats, for example, people will buy expensive lipstick.The underlying assumption is that consumers will buy luxury goods even if there is a crisis. 

It also has psychological effect – women’s desire to attract mates with resources and depends on the perceived mate attraction function served by these products. In addition to showing how and why economic recessions influence women’s desire for beauty products.

We are not to talk about whetherthe lipstick sales surge is predicting a crisis a not. I can’t avoid seeing any mention of case studies about premium lipsticks reading about beauty Ecommerce in China. (I’m just rewriting based on what I read.) In fact, it’s the fastest growing category in Beauty China, growing a staggering 97% in 2017.

Today, i’m here to talk about how premium lipsticks make it to the top selling products on the Tmall (JD, VIP and koala etc) shelf.

On Tmall, China’s biggest Ecommerce platform (arguably world’s biggest or second biggest), both premium cosmetics brands YSL (only launched on Tmall since apr 2018) and Mac’s lipstick sales are disproportionately huge, accounting for 85% and 92% over total sales respectively. Priced at over RMB200 above per tube, these lipsticks are not cheap as everyday necessity (as you don’t just stop at 1 tube) but definitely not expensive as a feel-good simple indulgence. How are the figures translated into actual tubes of lipsticks? Hmm, I want to know too.

So what’s behind YSL’s lipstick sales?

Oh, they did it so well with influencers – it was glorified as the ONLY gift to signify their love from boyfriends to their girlfriends – testimony of love. Girls where sharing posts about YSL lipsticks on social to subtly (not too subtly) to hint (*wink wink). The lipsticks are built up as the “girlfriend gift”. After all, 1 iPhone 7 equally 22 YSL lipsticks (I didn’t do the calculation, chinese netizen did).

Love wins (or marketing leveraging on it wins).

Stealing old photo from sohu:

It was indeed the counter in Seoul (not China but all the “sold out” or purchase quota “one tube per customer” signs are all written in simplified Chinese (the official language in China)

Let’s talk about Mac – L2 gave it a flash of genius. I have to agree with L2 on this one.

Mac x Tencent’s Honour of Kings (Arena of Valor)

I’m sure you have heard of Tencent – the company that owns WeChat, QQ and many more (most additive mobile games in China for example).

When you think mobile games are for guys only, think twice. Take one of the most popular mobile games in China, Honour of Kings, for example. Most than half of their over 100 million (yes, 9 digits, I counted with my fingers 🤪) monthly active users (MAU) are female. They are not just female, they are Gen Z (18-24) mostly with disposable income (at least to spend on cosmetic items).

Instead of initiated from the brand, the unlikely collaboration was a result of customer’s demand. According Jingdaily, MAC noticed the players of the games always mentioned their brand when creating lip colors for their characters in the game. Also, without constraint from the brand’s headquarter, local team had all the freedom and support to start the collaboration with Tencent. And ta da, born the 5 branded limited edition lipsticks for Honour of the Kings.

14,000 preorder within 24 hours of launch on their brand site, WeChat mini program and their Tmall. Seriously 14,000 is more thing compared to the over 100,000 tubes monthly sales on Tmall alone, the buzz generated and the halo effect is the gold.

The verdict – no matter if the economy blooms or turns gloom, photogenic (Instagramable or ins – the way Chinese netizens call Instagram or Livestreaming-able) makeup products – aka lipstick is one of the most compulsive buying items

See exhibit A – my little collection (after two rounds of life changing magic of tidying up – My Charlotte Tibury lipsticks didn’t make it to the photo) well, they still do spark joy and I’m still tempted every time I see an ad (of any format)

(This post has been stuck at my draft for a few months – the past 11.11 lipsticks are still the highest selling products makeups)


Before Covid19, there was still a strong glow of lipstick sales. The pandemic is very saddening. Hope the worst is already gone and we are on our way to be back to normal!

Mask wearing and working from home is the new normal. That means the way people put on makeup (or the lack of it completely) has changed. Lipsticks had negative growth. A similar form of lipstick economy emerged – Mascara index. (Honestly, Mascara sales especially in the premium category has been in decline for a long while. With the rise of lash extension and even magnetic lashes, it’s not hard to see why). China, the first country that returned to work back to normal saw a 150% increase in eye makeup. I bet is eye liners and brow products. Here’s an interesting take on Mascara index

Has your makeup routine changed? Are you still putting on makeup? Even I’m back to normal work schedule, I haven’t put on any makeup for at least 4 months nor have I bought any makeup items either, instead, I bought skincare and self care products.

Nothing can stop the arguably youngest self made billionaire -Kylie Jenner

She was one of those who made duck lips a hit on the Internet and there was a Kylie Jenner duck lip challenge. If you don’t know about it, try google “Kylie Jenner duck lips”🙈

she launched her lip kit, which sold out almost immediately. See post from her IG

Let’s not forgot she had the post of her hair which was the most liked posted on IG at the time (2015).

The Internet was broken again when she hid her pregnancy all 9 months even appearing constantly on their famous family reality show.

Why would we not be surprised that she’s launching hair and baby care.

I’m not a fan of the show but I definitely admire their business sense building a ginormous business from their influence 🙈👍🏾 and their engagement on Instagram and snapchat

How to keep milk flow while travelling for work? 5 practical Tips

Let’s face it! Breastfeeding is natural but not easy, to all moms, full time stay home or working full time. Work trips can be tricky when you are a breastfeeding mom. Here are some tips from my own experience. Tip … Continue reading

Why I disappeared …

My life changed upside down since a little human being grew in me 🤰🏾


For the first three months, it was a blur (actually the months after as well) 🙈

From feeling dizzy to a point that I couldn’t not make a stop between my bed to the living room to rest out, to passing out and throwing up on the subway (Gross I know. Thanks God for the strong and kind gentleman who grabbed my arm and escorted me off the train and put me on a chair on the platform. He was kind enough to fetch help for me too). And I struggled with a minor case of prenatal depression.

Between prenatal yoga, checkups, preparing the arrival of my very special one, reading baby center religiously (btw, best SEO ever. Impressive feature snippet. Always the answer!), still trying to be useful at work, I made it through!!

The unexpected

A little bit a year ago, when I was finishing work (around 2 more weeks to go till my starting of Mat leave). I booked a hair that evening as I knew I wouldn’t be able to do so after delivery. I went into the bathroom (which is situated outside of the office). I heard a plop sound. It immediately registered the article I was reading on baby Center about water breaking. The pinkness also further confirmed my gut feeling. It wasn’t like in the movies, a hush of water dropped. It was just dripping). I did not panic at all. I was the calmest in my life. My first instinct was to call my better half about it so I planned to go into the office to get my phone. At the door, I saw my colleague so I asked her to help me bring my phone. Her face just got pale after hearing that I water broke.

The team assembly at the bathroom

3 minutes later, the whole team came into the bathroom with more pale faces, asking if I need to be sent to the hospital. I was unprecedentedly calm. I just called my better half and let him know that my water broke. Probably the doctor kept saying it’d be a long labour for first timers, at least 48 minutes and I thought I had time. So we arranged to meet at home. Then my hair dresser messaged me asking where I was. I told him that my water broke. Moments later, my friend texted me asking if my water broke. Apparently she was at our hair dresser when I sent the message. News travelled fast 😝

Gone is a puff

So I went back to the office and packed up my computer (my other colleague who had an early delivery didn’t pack her computer. She came back to the office 6 days with baby to pick up hers after a C section. Super woman. Not recommended). My colleague offered to take the taxi with me.

Last supper & shower 🚿

When I arrived, dinner was ready. No contraction at all. I thought of unripe mango could trigger labour. Oh, how I missed Thai mango salad!! So we even ordered mango salad take away. I was so sure that I wouldn’t be able to wash my hair for a long time (Chinese postpartum confinement practice) so I took a shower wand washed my hair. Luckily, a friend told me to pack my hospital bag a month in advance. I did. I packed it in a longchamp bag and was about to transfer to a small suitcase. Anyway, I got it handy.

Highway to birth

We even watched TV for a while till I got a bit worried since I hadn’t felt a kick for a while. So we proceed to go to the hospital.

The mini drama began. When I registered to be admitted, the nurse got super nervous and a bit furious (sorry, I didn’t remember the note not the booklet. Proceed to the hospital once water breaks). She checked me in immediately. Ultra sound by the doctor on duty – same response “why did you wait so long?”. “Since you are over 34 weeks, we’ll kick start the birth. We’ll monitor you for 20 minutes. We’ll induce you. If after 24 hours, you are still not ready for natural birth, we’ll proceed to C section”. Omg! All my biggest fear surfaced. We’ll, three of my friends who gave birth not too long ago experienced what the called the full package – induction for 24 long hours and c section, pain for the next 2 weeks) my mind flew miles away.

La La La Labour

Before I knew it, we were already dressed in purple and in the labour room. I was hooked to two heartbeat monitor and a contraction monitor, got a needle purged in my vein so the induction drug can be drug in directly. The nurses were super nice and helpful. All of our final preparations (like watching YouTube on birth ball exercises) were planned for the upcoming public holiday so I asked the nurse if I could use the ball. Having full confident of my yoga and prenatal yoga would pay off. I sat on the ball and started moving back and forth as instructed.

The magic 20

The contraction monitor was showing some figures and I wasn’t quite feeling it. The nurse said it was a good sign and I should wait a little and she would come back in 20 minutes and check on me again. She came back in 20 minutes as promised and my contraction grew stronger. The nurse said it was a good sign so I should wait a bit longer and she would check on me in 20 minutes again. She hooked me up with TENS and offered the laughing gas. Oh, man! Laughing gas doesn’t make you laugh. It makes your drowsy. The pain got more intense . Whenever the contraction came, TENS was on and I inhaled some laughing gas. Actually my partner in birth had full control of TENS and turned it on whenever the contraction figures went up. A true professional😝

Epidural or no epidural, that’s the question

I couldn’t sit on the ball any more due to the effect of laughing gas. I laid on the bed again. I made myself promise that I wouldn’t go for epidural unless I absolutely couldn’t bare the pain. I was almost out of breath and in tears when the contraction hit. So I asked for epidural (I Hesse’s horror stories that sometimes if it’s busy or too late, epidural wouldn’t be available). Nurse came and said it’s take an hour until it could be administered. I was thinking, what!! Another long whole hour? But before they could start requesting, an examination is needed.

The commotion started…

The kind nurse went in and conduct the examination and exclaimed “you don’t need epidural!” Apparently, I was ready to deliver. I was asked to hold when the whole room came into motion, setting up the labour bed and all other prep work. All done in less than 3 minutes. Nurse also warned me that the little one could come out a little while pushing but went back in afterwards. My mind was a blur and it was way passed my bed time. I just had the uncontrollable feeling of having too poo when the contraction hit. After about 20 minutes (2 or 3 major contraction and pushing), my precious little one’s head was out and two more push, she was totally out! I felt as if I was in a dream. What happened to the wait 24 hours and decide if surgery is needed?! I didn’t even feel the cutting of the umbilical cord. And the much-awaited for skin to skin( a term I heard over a million times during all prenatal or even postpartum class). She didn’t find the source of milk immediately. I was so swamped with love and the miracle of life 😊

The next coming months were definitely a blur with serious deprive of sleep 😴

6 months later. I’m back to work, a new role and a new industry, still in digital but faster pace. Pumping through work and business travels.

I’m back at having my busy fingers typing my blog again 😊

To the Fools who Dream

“Here’s to the fools who dream
Crazy as they may seem
Here’s to the hearts that break
Here’s to the mess we make”

La La Land to me is not a romantic story about two people. It’s a love letter and a romance between people and dreams. Both characters even though not together, realized their dreams.

The audition got me in tears at La La Land and truly stroke a cord in my heart. The What If paralleled reality was touching and bittersweet but not as close as inspiring.

The scene, the lyrics reminded me of a tvc (I still can’t find the link to the ad) I saw couple years ago. The host asked people of different ages what their dreams were. When the older interviewees were asked, they chuckled at first implying they too thought dreams were for young people not the aged. The host asked on and they finally came up with what they still wanted to achieve in life.

The message is clear – You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream. – CS Lewis (Arguably).  Dreams and potential are not the privilege of just children or the youth.

Of course. When we were young, we saw the world in the different light, dreaming to become something wonderful.

Then life happened! We were distracted by so many – the rat race, the mortgage, peer pressure, social expectation, worldly temptation and materialist procession. You name it. As we age on, many of us forgot our initial pursuit and opt for something that offers instant gratification – that luxe holiday, that sleek sports car, the season’s new must-have outfits or that IT bag… We are easily discourage when things don’t turn out to be easy or smooth. Probably we didn’t forget but we stopped pursuing our dreams and the urge to be someone, to achieve something became a distant memory. It’s not in any movies, but in our every day reality.

Dreams are beautiful. Following your dream and fighting till you have them come true is what make life challenging, meaningful and rewarding.

“I have a dream,

A song to sing,

To help me cope with anything”

Stop for a moment – think! What is your dream? It doesn’t matter it’s big or small.  Take a leap of faith. Step out of your comfort zone and start (again):

Dream on!

Did I remember the trip last year?

Oh, yes I do.

I have to say email marketing done right still works, even though we are bombarded with numerous junk on a secondly base.

That’s the subject line of an email from Airbnb, one of my favrouites sites. It was perfectly timed at the same month we went on a road trip as a family last year around the west coast.

As a digital native and also a practitioner myself, I successfully gifted a digital-driven trip to my parents, who are only barely stay digital on Wechat.

The trip started as an idea of “act while you can”. Back in 2008, I planned everything down to daily schedule with my grandma to the States. However, just the day before I asked her to go to our family doctor to get some safety med just in case. Her blood pressure turned sky high and the doctor strongly advised against going. That was it. My grandma never got to use her American visa. With that in mind, while my mom and dad are still mobile and healthy. We decided to go on a family trip.

How digital was it –

  • My parents’ ticket to SFO was redeemed by my Asiamile mileage online. It blew off my hard-earn 144,000 miles over the past couple of years. (To be honest, I did try to NYC, California and Dallas in less than 12 months and Bali and Amsterdam some time slightly earlier).
  • My ticket to SFO was bought directly from the airline website and the air tickets to Van Couvar and train ticket back to Seattle and air ticket back to SFO were all done directly on the relating sites.
  • I tried searching some online tool to plan for our itinery. Only the Roadtrip planner was good for a while. So I went back to the old-fashion Excel file to fill in the dates, temperature (I used Google to check the weather down to the days), where we will be, whom to meet and rough budget. I also shared that with my two aunts who we would staying with.
  • For the cities, we didn’t have free accomodation, we turned to Airbnb. We booked a stunning flat in downtown Van Couvar and Seattle.
  • We also booked the rental car in advance.
  • When we were on our rental car, we used Google Map to navigate  to tour along California 1 and Yelp to look for resturants to dine in.
  • While we were not using the rental car, we ubered or lyfted. It worked perfectly fine.
  • We used Wechat, Whatsapps and Facebook messager to communicate with our friends and families.

It was a small step for me, but a huge leap for my parents. Look forward to our next trip Hawaii this Christmas.


Found this on my computer, an unfinished piece. It was written on Sep 6, 2015, a year after my grandma peaceful departure.

即使在今天365天之後, 所有事情都像在剛剛發生一樣, 記憶猶新.

在那天之前, 你突然發高燒, 媽還打給我中醫, 老中醫建議用酒精幫你降溫, 明早再看情況. 我早上醒來, 在上班前還看看碰一下你的額頭, 你還在發燒, 但不太熱, 我就去上班了, 心想父母會好好照料你. 你已經好幾天沒有反應了. 我很怕, 讓你帶上助聽器, 我跟你說話, 因為那感覺太可怕了, 你沒有反應, 我像對空氣說話. 沒想到, 那已經是差不多最後一次我跟活著你的說話了.

我在一個event, 剛好放break, 我還約了舊同事中飯. 我突然收到媽的電話, 其實平時, 我很少馬上就接電話, 這次我馬上就聽了, 媽說你進醫院了. 過去幾個月, 你進出醫院很多次, 我還不以為然, 問媽我為什麼要馬上來. 她只是說我要馬上來. 我就馬上截的士來. 路上, 我才開始會怕, 我開始意識到事態严重, 這可能是我最後見到活著的你了. 我在的士上, 激動情緒開始來了. 我不能忍住淚水, 不停地流淚. 來到醫院, 你還在急證室搶救中. 慌了, 還平日冷靜的老父也慌了. 我們在乾等, 等著不知是好是壤的消息

醫生終於出來了. 他說你被搶救過來, 但已經返魂乏術. 我們只剩幾小時. 這是我人生中最長也是最短的幾時小時. 你已經不能眨眼了. 你被推到病房之時, 只有你的眼活動和機器的指標能令我們相信你還活著. 你已經不能說話, 不能動彈. 我們在你身邊守著, 等著…每次見到你心跳減慢時, 我們大喊. 叫你回來. 護士已經叫我們致電遠方親人, 一個一個親人對著空氣說話, 我知你好想親口道別., 但你已經沒有這能力. 直到醫護人員進來病院告話我們你已走了.   我們悲哭, 大喊…

感激你 (上年就寫到這里)

我終於明白到我為何只能寫到這裡, 因為看到這裡, 我已經熱淚滿框了. 在這個雨過天晴的干午突然到這篇未完的文貼, 再鼓起勇氣寫下去.

快兩年過去了, 你總是在我最需要你的時候, 在夢中來探我. 在萬中, 你還在生, 還是無限的慈愛, 我還是感無限的温暖, 心裡非常的實在. 每當一醒來, 意識到你己遠在另一個世界了, 失落不以, 還是難以接受, 用盡力睡回去, 回到你的慈愛中. 可以越用力, 越難回到夢中, 只有淚水伴我漫漫長夜.

時間是不會沖淡一切的. 你對我的愛, 你在的心中的重要, 永不會沖淡. 現在已哭成淚人的我, 也寫不下去了. 阿婆, 我好掛住你. 我永遠愛你.




其實這個主題已我心裡醞釀了一段日子, 今日終於開始提筆(打字).

去年某日, 我獨自行山時, 老遠看到兩個小閨密在山澗中逆流而上, 有感而生. 兩小無猜的純真友誼是多麼難能可貴, 令我想起我祖母與她身美國的摯友的深厚情誼 – 一段經歷歲月洗滌, 分隔千里, 終能維繫 – till death do us part的友誼.

在一個沒有社交媒體, 沒有互聯網的年代, 友情可以維持70多年, 一年幾通電話, 兩三封書信來往(聖誕節通常會附上一張20元美金), 對方珍惜這份情誼. 十多年前, 我還在大學時, 交換生計劃完結後, 我在美國留了一段日子. 那時, 我只是覺得奇怪, 為什麼一些我素未謀面的親戚, 對我如此熱情. 我祖母的朋友堅持我到她家住一星期. 年時已高的她不單帶我在她家附近飲茶食飯, 還陪我到環球片場玩, 一個70多歲的老人家還帶我一個20來歲的”小朋友” 去玩, 原因只是這位”小朋友” 正是她挚友的孫女.

其中一位我也從未見過的表姐告訴我, 為什麼她們會為我這個陌生的親戚張羅 – 她們已離鄉背井多年, 她們對我好原因是她們對我家人關愛的投射. 那一刻年輕的我沒有明白, 但現在我明白了.

2009年, 我決心想祖母到美國玩, 但因為她的血壓突然上升, 我們沒有去成, 所有親屬都很失望, 但也明白老人家旅行需要很大勇氣. 大前年, 祖母沒有收到她美國朋友的聖誕卡, 她已預感到不幸的事發生了. 祖母還說可朋友的先生過世了, 我們還是不要打擾她. 沒想到, 這一次的不想打擾成了永訣.

前年初, 祖母的身體每下愈況, 氣弱遊絲她靜悄悄的走了, 我們都在她身邊. 當我們開始靜下來, 通知親朋好友時, 我也打電話到美國知祖母的好友. 想不到電話接通了, 她第一反應是” 佩容嗎?” (我祖母的名字), 她原以為是我祖母致電問候她, 可惜我帶來的郤是一個壞消息. 在她平靜的反應中, 我聽到幾千裡以外的悲痛. 我放下電話, 心仍在痛.

去年, 我心感把握時間, 要活當下, 決定帶父母到美國看看世界. 我看到的是那些親戚重遇交的感動, 百感交雜. 到了LA, 我們全家都同意去探望祖母的摯友. 我致電她時, 她的看護接電話, 她不是太清醒, 我們跟看護解釋我的們的來意, 安排在第二天我們上門探訪. 第二天, 我們到她的時候, 90歲的老人家思路還很清晰, 她還如家珍地講她與祖母年時的故事, 她們小學時已認識, 一直到中學, 還分享午餐, 由她們幾歲開始, 這段友情維繫了超過80å¹´. 老人家很安慰有朋自遠方來, 還可以用鄉下話(沙溪話)跟她交談, 她還記我大學時身體比現在豐滿多了.  åœ¨è‡¨åˆ¥æ™‚, 她不停地用沙溪話說, “看到阿敏(我), 我直快活!” 那一刻, 我只能强忍淚水, 叫她好好保重. 我也真的不知道這次是否我們的最後一面. 人生無常, 活好每一天才重要.

聖誕的之前, 我在整理舊相片時, 找到了祖母與摯友朋在80年代的合照, 我重晒了一套, 寄到美國. 希望這些照片能勾起那些美好的回憶.

在這個世代朋友多, 深交少. 友情也會隨人生的不同階段而改變. 交上好友, 且行, 且珍惜.


遺憾美 – What if…


太久沒有寫作了, 來到快到3月底才開始2016年的第一篇, 有感提筆生疏. 現在答應自己在庸庸碌碌的生活中, 停步下來, 把每一刻的小感動寫下來, 保觧僅存講故事的能力. 雖說獻醜(我可真的忘了醜寫怎樣寫, 要在Yahoo Dictionary 查 “Ugly” #somin). 不如蔵拙, 但寫作對我來記是一個理清思路, 思考人生的方法, 就讓我來獻一下醜. 

記得去年在社交媒體上,  有一套電影吸引了我的注意 – “哪一天我們會飛”. 本想到戯院看, 朋友們的-評價好壞參半, 但不知什麼原因, 也淡忘了.

上星期在飛機, 偶然看到了這套戯在Movie List上, 就選了來看看. 原來對該片沒抱很大期望, 但故事遠遠超我意料. 故事的巧妙構思, 使我看完電影還不停回咮著. 故事訴說一對人到中年的夫婦經過歲月的洗禮, 為活而活, 外表風光但忘郤了對生活的熱情, 如行屍走肉地活著. 偶然的機遇下, 回憶學生時代的青澀初戀和重拾年輕時追夢的熱血, 完一個故友的心願. 初戀的情節似曾相識, 令我不其然聯想到一套總是令我感動不以的電影 – 情書. 兩片的遺憾美也是始於年輕是擦身而過的暗戀, 到了長大後才發現的的由衷感動, 的確有異曲同工之巧. 兩個故事的男主角也是對之後的女友看似一見鍾意, 但其實只是女友和初戀對像很相似而已. 而在電影倒敍時也已去世, 到女主角發現和時已經追也不回, 只有淡淡的遺憾美 – “情書”中女主角在書簽後的插畫, “哪一天我們會飛” 中女主角發現在獎杯下的登機證. What if 情書的女主角一早就看到書簽? What if 在”哪一天我們會飛”的女主角看到了紙飛機的留言? 在”哪一天我們會飛”中, 少時的三人行, 女主角周旋於兩個心儀自的的男生中間, 微妙的友誼和青葱少年情,  第三者說男角A令她想起以前的男友, 而男角A是因為第三者令他想起他女主角年輕的時代,  其實第三者以前的男朋友正是男角B, 最巧妙的地方是第三者的前男友正是男角B, 因為男角B鍾情的也是女主角, 可謂超越時空的四角戀.

除了感情線外, 電影的重拾追夢的熱忱值得我們反思. 男女主角其實也是夢想成真, 做了兒時想做的工作, Living their dream. 但他們倆也忘郤了對夢想的初衷, working to live, not living to work. 夢想成真又如何? 劇中男女主角最後也因為亡友對夢想的執著激勵, 重燃對生活的熱情. 可算是Happy ending.

記得兒時的夢想嗎? 是否已經活在夢想生活中, 而郤身在福中? 在成長是又有多少段令你不斷回想的What If…的遺憾? 無疾而終的初戀總是美麗的, 因為它是一個夢, 沒有生活的洗滌, 還留有許多你腦海裡的想像空間. What if…